Dare to be YOU!
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The Crossing

Merle Brill,


A
s I sit and write this I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or even if it will come. None of us do. But today did. Was it the best day ever? No. Was it the worst day ever? No, but I was here for it, and for a change I was grateful.


I allowed myself to be here today, present, in the moment, alive. Perhaps you are thinking this is just going to be more new age mumbo jumbo. That is not my intent.

Hopefully you have continued reading for my intent is for someone to get something out of this. It took me three years to get here, well actually I guess it took three years for us all to get here, but I think you may know what I mean. To get to a happier place, I say happier because happy is the ultimate goal, and usually when we reach a goal we stop trying or go on to the next thing. Never stop trying to be happier/happy. I think happy is a lifelong pursuit, at least now I do.

When I say allow myself to be here I mean alive. I have stopped trying to kill myself. I did not put a gun to my head or jump off a bridge. I just took huge amounts of narcotics.

The first time I did it suicide was the goal. I took 65 Norco's they are a potent painkiller, it wasn't physical pain I was trying to rid myself of, but emotional. I now look at it as no coincidence that my drug of choice was painkillers. I took them over the course of four hours. I have had enough people close to me commit suicide to know that if you really, really want to do it you will, so I guess I didn't really want to. Had I, I would have taken them all at once with a Jameson chaser. My plan was to take 10-15, then more, and more and eventually I guess I just thought I'd slip away slowly to where ever it is we go when we leave.

I awoke the next morning. I just got up and went to work and resided myself to a life of misery, frustrated that I could not even kill myself right.

The second time was accidental. It involved getting what I thought was one thing and turning out to be much stronger something else.

The anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds were not helping either, nor were the recreational drugs. So I stopped the meds.

One day, while just going through the motions I was sitting at a red light listening to a client drone on. We had to wait for the light to turn red to green about two more times while a man well into his late eighties crept across the street pushing his walker.

As the client kept about his chattering, my thoughts started to wander and I wondered about the man and all that he had endured in his life. Why was no one helping him? Did he out-live everyone? Was he estranged from his family? Or was he just a prideful man out for his walk, and nothing was going to stop him?

Perhaps the latter, because as I watched him closer there was what I thought to be a look of satisfaction and pride across his face, and an inner sort of peace that seemed to radiate from him.

That moment it hit me. How dare I, an able bodied, healthy woman, employed, food, shelter, even health insurance with family and friends, complain or feel so bad about my life. The other thing that should probably have been first on the list are friends and family, who really do love and care about me, even when I have not loved and cared about myself. I am blessed with a few who are true.

I mean, here was this man, who well could have been using every excuse to not have gone out today, or even got up, but did.

Maybe what I am trying to say, and perhaps it is an inspirational message after all is we are all we have. Live and love and help each other the best you can. You may not even know it but you are probably the best part of someone's day.

So, please, tomorrow morning even if you don't feel like it or dont have to, get up and at least cross the street.

You may change someone's life. Maybe even your own.





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patty, 2009-04-15 13:43:42
is it?-- Is it biographical??



  






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