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Domestic Violence & Divorce

Tamia McDonald Pizey ,

s a survivor of severe domestic-violence which lasted for over fourteen years, and a mother who had to face her worst fears regarding the long-term abuse of her children, I am still amazed (as well as disgusted) that the perpetrators of something as soul-destroying as domestic-violence are unfortunately so dangerously clever when it comes to facing a judge in a court of law.

When Tammy-Wynette said 'Stand by your man' she may have been singing from the heart but fortunately for her she never knew my ex-husband... I had to watch as he made 'HIMSELF' look like the poor, defenseless, broken victim who had been falsely accused by his ex-spouse and children.

The judge in this case 'APOLOGISED' to him for how long the proceedings were dragging out as he sat looking at her with the eyes of a 'sad-puppy'... only to grin at me like an evil cheshire-cat as he came out of the courtroom, almost as if he was mocking me.

He is what I commonly refer to as a 'silent-abuser' which is someone who shows only his loving side to his family and friends, but who becomes the 'devil incarnate' behind closed doors as he hits, spits, kicks, snarls and uses the most vile words to hurt his victims.

I know that I speak for countless others who have somehow managed to escape their tormentors when I say that there are those who say 'why not just leave'?

My personal answer to this is when you are living with someone who has come to understand all your weaknesses it is not that simple. The threats usually range from 'I'll hunt you down if you leave'... 'you'll never be able to live in peace'... 'you'll always be looking over your shoulder'... and if you do have a child/children he will then use them as he tells you that 'you'll never take them with you' and 'I'll kill you if you try and leave.'

The family appointed officers of the court, the judges and solicitors have not had to endure the misery that leaves victims of domestic violence feeling as if they are trapped like animals in a cage, (with an even bigger animal which is waiting to devour them), life becomes unbearable as victims feel as if they have been locked in an airtight room and feel as if they are fighting for every last breath.

The biggest insult for myself and my children came just a few months after my ex-husband was given only the right to have contact by letters to my children, he wrote to them approximately three months after the court's decision (that there was insufficient evidence to actually charge him), and he finally ADMITTED to what he had done, APOLOGISED (as if that was meant to make them feel better) and asked for their forgiveness.

He had made sure that he was never charged as he lied to a high-court judge all those months before only to insult us all with his pathetic apologies once the damage was already done. In this case my son had attempted to hang himself, my eldest daughter is left with permanent nerve damage in her right arm after he wrenched and dislocated it (as well as sexually abusing her) and generally beat all three of them when they failed to do as he said or disagreed with him.

To all those who have survived I say 'well done' and I wish you only the best that life can offer you... to all those who continue to suffer in silence (and who may be reading this) I say 'don't give up' there is help out there and you can escape.

To the 'JUSTICE' system I say 'wake-up' there is still far too much that you need to learn when it comes to domestic violence. Do not be fooled. The lives of the victims depends upon the 'powers that be' to know the 'FACTS' about what they are truly dealing with.

Groundwork must be done to assertain exactly what has occured during the relationship/s of those involved, psychiactric evaluations are vital and must be given to both the man and the woman (this is something that is all too often being overlooked), which is why far too many perpetrators are slipping through legal loopholes.

Domestic violence can be a killer. FACT. The law must change. Other victims will obviously still follow but working towards change will at least start to make a difference when these cases come to court.

I am 41 years of age, the mother of three children who are aged 19, 16 & 13 years of age. I am married for the second time, I am an avid music lover, I love to read as well as write poems & short stories, ( i also enjoy topical novels).

I am, along with my children, a survivor of domestic-violence and abuse, (the poetry I tend to write is inspired by events in our lives as well as being biographical).

My other loves are studying North-American Indian and Chinese philosophy.


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